Today I discovered something that promises to change the way I approach problem-solving, decision-making and generally viewing the world:
People are your most valuable resource.
Other people are the most valuable resource you will have in your life. They will be a valuable resource for information, energy and perspective.
If you are an introvert like me you probably don’t spend a great deal of your time talking to people and sharing your experience of the world with them. You might prefer to assess issues and rationalise decisions internally, you might be guarded against sharing your views with other people or you might simply trust yourself the most when it comes to having an objective view. Or you might be the shy type who keeps quiet because they are afraid not to say something wrong or something that would make them look bad. You might not have the need to seek out human communication as often as other people, you might enjoy internalising most of your processes and that is all perfectly fine.
But if you are a smart introvert, then you know how valuable other people’s world views can be. You know how enriching something as simple as a conversation can be. It can be your path to new useful information, inspiration, the energy you needed to overcome a challenge, the insight that helps you solve an issue, the reassurance you need to make a decision. All those valuable things can come from anyone anywhere. That’s why reaching out and asking for input or help and likewise participating when input or help is required from you is important. For many people, this might be a natural state of mind, but for more introverted people this might require guided effort in building useful habits.
I am in the process of building the helpful habit of reaching out to other human beings at the moment and here I have shared the guidelines that I use to discipline myself to follow in my communication with other people.
Ask people questions
This might seem like an obvious one but in a world in which you can Google anything and have access to countless review sites and social media on which people constantly churn out their views on various things, it is easy to downplay the value of asking people around you for their knowledge and recommendations. There is a reason why questioning skills are taught at every good communication and management course. Asking questions is a powerful tool that doesn’t require introverts to venture too far out of their comfort zone. Asking questions is something people do every day and I think the more you do it, the more natural and enjoyable it becomes.
I might not be the best at starting conversations (or holding them for that matter) but I have become quite good at asking questions. It can be anything as simple as wanting to try a new restaurant and remembering that my colleague mentioned they have already been to a new place in my area, naturally I would turn to them for a recommendation. Most people will actually be flattered that you are seeking their opinions and are willing to give honest recommendations.
The same applies to projects you are working on at work. In my workplace, we encourage people to share a project they are currently working on and ask people from across departments to contribute with their ideas. All you have to do is present your issue and ask people for their views.
Offer your knowledge
Remember you’re a resource too! If you are introverted you might find it challenging to openly share your views and ideas. Something that many people shun is giving genuine opinions when engaged in conversations. From fear of offending someone or not getting approval many will either remain quiet or say whatever they think the other person expects to hear. Once you realise that this is not helpful either to you or to the other person or people in the conversation, you will feel obliged to offer your own helpful views.
The truth is that if you are truly genuine in an interaction it is more likely to be enjoyable for both parties and you are more likely to get value from it. You have probably felt at times awkward situations arise because you don’t find common ground with someone but choose to shake your head in agreement with everything they say simply to avoid confrontation. You know you are not being honest and most cases the other person knows you are not being honest too. Try and imagine what that situation would have looked like if you offered your view openly in a non-confrontational way.
Worst case scenario, an already awkward situation will remain awkward or the conversation will cease. In this case, you know for sure that it is very unlikely a pleasant or beneficial exchange to happen between you and this person. Best case scenario, however, you might end up finding common ground with someone whose views differ from yours.
Stop agreeing with everyone
Training yourself to steer clear of common behaviours that help you avoid giving honest opinions is the first step to success. One of the easiest traps to fall into is constantly expressing agreement even when you feel that there is more you can add to an argument. I found myself agreeing with what people say even when I had a slightly opposing view or a nuanced idea on the subject.
Shaking my head vigorously in agreement didn’t really propel the conversation any further since I had nothing to add to something I was not convinced in. I experimented with expressing challenging opinions or even adding in a new aspect to a situation and saw the conversation immediately change course into a more nuanced discussion. Next time you think there is no point mentioning that little idea you have during a meeting at work or that you shouldn’t disagree with your partner, think again.
Practice empathy
Yes, please, by all means, ask questions and give honest opinions but don’t forget that in order to have a valuable and enjoyable interaction you need to be empathic. There are good and bad times to deliver honest remarks, good and bad times to ask questions and good and bad ways to do that.
Empathy can mean a lot of different things and encompasses a broad range of emotions but to me, it is really about being thoughtful when interacting with others. Discussions about empathy often include phrases like “putting yourself in the other person’s shoes” but I believe it is healthy to know that that you can never fully understand another person’s perspective or feelings.
The best you can do is step out of your own shoes for a second and take in what someone else is saying.
To me empathy in communication is really about pausing, focusing on the other person you are interacting with, examining the other person’s response to you, considering their situation and asking yourself how what you are saying will be perceived in that specific scenario.
Empathy is not an easy skill and it takes time and practice to master. Some people are naturally more sensitive to others’ emotional and mental states and pick up any clues easier than others. I would like to think that I am an empathic person by nature but I often need to remind myself to remove myself from my own agenda when communicating and adjust to the emotional state of the person I am talking to.
Advice can come from surprising places
My point here is don’t let your prejudice tell you who you should be reaching out to in various situations.
Who says you can’t ask your grandfather for relationship advice or the person sitting next to you on the train for opinion on a work project?
Be open-minded and remember that you never really know another person’s strengths and areas of expertise until you truly reach out to them. You can discover something new about someone in your social group any day by simply reaching out!
I, for example, turn for career advice to my grandmother who is a retired CFO and is great at managing people and navigating dynamics in larger organisations and sensitive situations at work. She might have worked in different times and a different country but certain leadership and people skills will always be relevant anywhere in the world. My grandmother does try to cook, bless her, but I have learned that she is not really the one to go to for a recipe for a cake.
Reading also counts
Reading is a form of reaching out to other people too and a very introvert-friendly one as well. Reading books is like having conversations with people you wouldn’t otherwise have access to. Reading (books with some substance and ideas to share, that is) is like reaching into the idea pool of people you wouldn’t be able to reach otherwise. Reading fiction and non-fiction alike will give you access to knowledge and world views.
Segment your resources
And by resources I mean people because people are your best resources, remember? Segment your people. I have learned what my friends’ different strengths and weaknesses are and I have learned how to learn from both. Getting to know other people’s ways of thinking, spheres of knowledge and interests is important in order for you to reach out to them effectively. People generally like to talk about the things they are passionate about and are thrilled to offer information and help when it comes to something they are knowledgeable about. Likewise, they will be reluctant to offer opinions on a subject matter they feel they don’t have a good understanding of.
For example, I have a friend who serves as my editor. I send her almost every piece I write not only because she is incredibly intelligent and perceptible but because she gives me honest and objective opinions on my work. She is not afraid to criticise me because she understands that her constructive criticism is valuable to me. None of my other friends could do as good a job as her simply because they are inclined to only give positive feedback out of kindness.
Saving me their negative comments or ideas for improvement, however, doesn’t benefit my writing. I am incredibly lucky to have a friend who has the strength of giving honest constructive feedback and I have made it a habit to use this valuable resource. Apart from that she really enjoys proofreading and editing and is thrilled every time a new draft lands in her inbox. This little ritual makes us feel closer to each other and strengthens our bond.
Go speak to a human!
Whether it is an influential writer or public figure, your well-travelled friend, your mother or your doctor — other people in your life hold the key to information, resources and a whole new world of possibilities. Other humans are the most valuable resource you have in your life. So, go on and speak to one now!
